Stress and Strife

Lucian and I have been in what is pretty much an "inactive" triad for a while now. He had requested the approval to have another partner to see a couple times a year as time allowed. I never really thought it would bother me so much as it has. I am not all that new to the concept of polyamory - but I have always been on the other side of the triad so to speak. I have always found myself being the one with multiple partner while they tend to only end up seeking me out. I can see now that I am on the other side of the coin that I never really quite understood it as well as I thought I did. I have managed to get past most of my jealousy and insecurities...but the part I can't see to get rid of is my hatred.

I don't care about him seeing other people, I don't mind sharing - I know he is coming home to me. I believe him when he tells me that. What I do know what to do with is my hatred of this other person. Not that they are taking him away from me, but the building blocks of who they are. Its caused a lot of harm in my relationship. It led to ultimatums, and the only real rule/guideline/parameter I really wanted. I've lost my ability to say "no." Its led to this "I do it or I am gone" situation. There isn't anything keeping me from leaving - but I do not want to leave. I still struggle with this sometimes. He tells me I am so important but he would rather not be with me then not be able to fuck her. Doesn't that make fucking her once a year or maybe only once for the rest of your life (which could be the case) more important then me?

I hate her though. I really do. I have met a lot of nasty people in my life - I don't think I have ever met anyone I despised more then this. She is his ex, his last partner before me and there is a little history there, but all of their physical relationship was just bad. When he asked to be able to see her, I wanted to change that. I tried to get to know her, told myself that if he sees so much in her that I could find something to like. Something to make her something I would mind sharing the person I think may be the love of my life. Every time we talk, she shows more of herself. More of the horrible person she is who is so utterly dysfunctional, who cannot for the life of her communicate and seems to ruin all her relationships and never stops to think that she might have a tiny microscopic role in any of it. Always someone else, always. Never had a good relationship, never had female friends. (For crying out loud, she literally emailed me and told me how she is surprised I am still emailing her because she had never met a woman who could want to be her friend past a conversation or two. WHO SAYS THAT? Better yet, who says that and doesn't realize a common theme?) I try to tell myself its that I know too much, knowing psychology like I do - its hindering me. At the same time though - I know its the truth. What do I do with that?

I don't know how to work past my feelings for her. I don't know how to work past the idea of her contaminating him, ruining him. I know this is all me - but how do I fix me? I don't know how to stop envisioning him touching her when he is touching me. I hate feeling this way and yet I don't know how to move past it - and most of all I hate the fact that I am allowing her to get in between us. I want him to see her and get it over with, but I don't know how I am going to manage getting over it when he gets back either.

Most of all, I hate feeling like I can't share this anymore.

Who is Lucian?

To give a little more insight into Lucian, we are approximately the same age.  Lucian is an avid written who has been interested in the lifestyle for quite a few years.  I am Lucian's first real experience with a dominant and sexual partner. 

Who I am

Now that you know a little about who we are - lets share a little more about me and how I got here.  I am in my mid twenties these days, and I supose I am a bit of a restless spirit.  I grew up on the east coast and have settled here in KY about 3 years ago.  In my 26 years I have lived in 3 states, I doubt very much that KY will be my last.

I am what some would call a dominatrix, a mistress, or a dominant - depending on how aware you are of my "lifestyle" and what your preferred term is.  I came across the power exchange/greater bdsm lifestyle as a teen on the web and was hooked.  I didn't start out as a top, but found that the submissive side of things was not my cup of tea.  Eventually I ended up trying the top side of things and I have been hooked ever since.

I buck quite a few of the sterotypes. but I love this life and I don't know that I could ever really be happy without it.

How it happened...

July 2010 I met Lucian - the man who at this moment I think will be the love of my life.  He had happened upon me on Fetlife.  I found his profile interesting, and we message back and forth a few times before we kind of lost touch.  I ended up thinking he had lost interest, and eventually I realized it was more of a time issue then anything else.  I ended up sending him a message or two every couple months or so.  I figured he was a neat guy and it was worth finding out more - maybe he would at least end up being a decent friend?  In the end, it was him to ended up chasing me to meet.  I wasn't really sure what I was expecting when we met.  In the end he was nothing I expected yet everything I wanted.  It has been a bit of a rollercoaster since then - but what love isn't?


This blog?  Well, it is sort of our story and my thoughts that go along with it.